16 years and two kids who are happy, healthy and definitely not douchebaggy later I am fairly certain I have done good. It was never easy, still is not, and of course kids are always works in progress as are grown-ups. I know I could not have prepared myself. Parenting is like going through life walking a tightrope while blindfolded. You have no map and there is no clearly marked area labeled Here There Be Monsters so you can avoid it. You navigate through the years white knuckled and maybe laughing a bit manically just praying you are not screwing them up too badly each time you miss your footing or fall down.
You hope the messages you are sending them keep them safe when you are not looking. You hope you choose the right people to care for them and you hope your teachings and your babies and your trust are never tested.
To my complete and utter horror my trust and that of thousands of parents in my town were tested this week. For my tiny brood at least, their hearts are shaken but their bodies are safe and sound. I could not be more grateful that my brand of straight up no bullshit, humour and interrogation has at the very least made them appear as lousy targets for predators if not kept them out of their company.
For that I admit I am both relentlessly beating myself up and telling myself I could not have known, the city was duped and it was not my fault. Still, I am horrified, sad, betrayed, suspicious and paranoid and did I mention beating the shit out of myself?
I am fortunate that my kids do not appear vulnerable despite belonging to a very vulnerable demographic, from a single parent home, below poverty line, urban neighborhood, ADD,absent fathers, working mom. I am so glad that the lessons in confidence, love, self esteem and street smarts worked. I am also devastated to know they were ever tested. More kick-the-guttiness, the very fact that I was able to work, to set an example and provide a loving environment is almost entirely due to the support of the programs founded by the man who could have done my children harm.
I simply don't fucking know how I could have worked without the hot lunch programs ( there are still schools that just release kids at noon hour with no cafeteria) and after school clubs that let me depend less on child care I could not afford or get subsidies for. Lets not forget the countless times he took the kids swimming, to hockey, parks and movies (ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!) giving me a few precious hours to breathe. I trusted him implicitly and the kids adored him.
The night before his arrest my 10 year old daughter was chatting with him, one of the only non-related adults on her facebook. (oh god)
My feelings of gratitude, shame of feelings of gratitude, blind rage, terror and confusion are just waiting to become tears eventually. This predator's help let me become the parent, and person I am now, and yet, he is a monster and I find myself clinging to my children as well as my faith in humanity.
I hope the programs are not tainted by scandal and lose support from the community. They are not only sources of filling lunches or mittens or after school games. This relief is giving other women with families like mine the ability to live with dignity, away from social assistance and the trappings of poverty. They are essential services in a world where we need safe places for our kids during working hours.
Weed out the predators, hunt them with every bit of available technology and empower kids to speak up and be the owners of their little bodies, punish the ones who prey on them with stiff sentences and comprehensive services for the victims. Bring justice and closure but please do not stop supporting the Chicken Noodle and After School Clubs in Saint John. Do not shut them down to forget. Forgetting and not talking are the worst thing to do. Remember and stay vigilant, keep going and vow to keep on keeping on in spite of the bastards, heal and grow.
These kids and the slew of honest caring volunteers need the biggest show of thanks and support ever in this their darkest hour. Please lets restore our faith in each other by doing the right things. You know, for the children.
To my complete and utter horror my trust and that of thousands of parents in my town were tested this week. For my tiny brood at least, their hearts are shaken but their bodies are safe and sound. I could not be more grateful that my brand of straight up no bullshit, humour and interrogation has at the very least made them appear as lousy targets for predators if not kept them out of their company.
For that I admit I am both relentlessly beating myself up and telling myself I could not have known, the city was duped and it was not my fault. Still, I am horrified, sad, betrayed, suspicious and paranoid and did I mention beating the shit out of myself?
I am fortunate that my kids do not appear vulnerable despite belonging to a very vulnerable demographic, from a single parent home, below poverty line, urban neighborhood, ADD,absent fathers, working mom. I am so glad that the lessons in confidence, love, self esteem and street smarts worked. I am also devastated to know they were ever tested. More kick-the-guttiness, the very fact that I was able to work, to set an example and provide a loving environment is almost entirely due to the support of the programs founded by the man who could have done my children harm.
I simply don't fucking know how I could have worked without the hot lunch programs ( there are still schools that just release kids at noon hour with no cafeteria) and after school clubs that let me depend less on child care I could not afford or get subsidies for. Lets not forget the countless times he took the kids swimming, to hockey, parks and movies (ARRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!) giving me a few precious hours to breathe. I trusted him implicitly and the kids adored him.
The night before his arrest my 10 year old daughter was chatting with him, one of the only non-related adults on her facebook. (oh god)
My feelings of gratitude, shame of feelings of gratitude, blind rage, terror and confusion are just waiting to become tears eventually. This predator's help let me become the parent, and person I am now, and yet, he is a monster and I find myself clinging to my children as well as my faith in humanity.
I hope the programs are not tainted by scandal and lose support from the community. They are not only sources of filling lunches or mittens or after school games. This relief is giving other women with families like mine the ability to live with dignity, away from social assistance and the trappings of poverty. They are essential services in a world where we need safe places for our kids during working hours.
Weed out the predators, hunt them with every bit of available technology and empower kids to speak up and be the owners of their little bodies, punish the ones who prey on them with stiff sentences and comprehensive services for the victims. Bring justice and closure but please do not stop supporting the Chicken Noodle and After School Clubs in Saint John. Do not shut them down to forget. Forgetting and not talking are the worst thing to do. Remember and stay vigilant, keep going and vow to keep on keeping on in spite of the bastards, heal and grow.
These kids and the slew of honest caring volunteers need the biggest show of thanks and support ever in this their darkest hour. Please lets restore our faith in each other by doing the right things. You know, for the children.
Well...the joke's on him!! He empowered an already confident and capable woman to become even moreso.
ReplyDeleteIronically, the likely intent was to get to know some insecure/neglected kids craving positive adult re-inforcement. This backfired where your well-informed children are concerned...they don't sound to me as though they would be naieve or insecure and I doubt that they feel you placed them in harm's way.
By being exposed as the piece of dirt that he is, he has fired up the mothers and the community...enough so that, maybe, now some of the more confident parents will start to get involved in more community-based events as they see a need arise. Plus...the more secure/older kids may eventually look at this as an incentive to give back and get involved mentoring/spending time with the younger kids - to keep them safe from such adults.
I don't feel like you have anything to beat yourself up over, though I understand. You should, instead, be proud of what you have accomplished in life and with your kids.