Sunday Times

I know in these enlightened times I should be picturing God as a Black Asian hermaphrodite but in my head He will always be an Old Jewish Guy. Less smitey than he used to be, but still full of piss and vinegar.

He looks like one of the old Hollywood moguls from the studio days. The kinda guy who was a real SOB in the board room but had a million kids and grand kids crawling all over him at home.

I think God drinks whiskey, good whiskey, wears expensive but old wing tips, smokes Cuban cigars and from time to time gives his secretary a pat on the butt. Much to St. Peter's chagrin. St. Peter being his secretary.

Mrs. God was freakin HOT in her day and now makes one Hell of a brisket. That's the joke they tell on Sundays. She makes way more of the decisions than God lets on.

She is also nicer to Mary Magdalene than to Mary of Nazareth because M of N acts like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and she is still pissed about the surrogate thing. She also feels badly for Joseph, and, in a way she kind of wishes she had been a little more like MM in her youth. But you know, once you start dating God you can't go out clubbing as much.

She keeps Jesus' jar of myrrh from the day he was born on a shelf in the hall. The jar is pretty but she just never got around to using the myrrh and thinks it may have went bad sometime during the crusades.

We will never find the Ark of the Covenant because she had some of the boys bring it up to the spare room to keep blankets in.

For reasons I cannot explain Jesus wears a Lithuanian Olympic basketball jersey from 1992 when they were partially sponsored by the Grateful Dead.

He has not been doing too much since the resurrection and his parents wish he would spend less time fucking with the poor and uneducated and more time on actual divine interventions like his Dad did when he was young. But there is just no get up and go with that kid.

He talked a lot about getting back out there again after the Da Vinci Code came out in paperback. Leonardo was on board with whipping up some new notebooks to be "found" by scholars. One of the Popes and Winston Churchill were on board too but nothing came of it. Jesus wont even talk about now.

He says  he put the dead sea scrolls in that cave but everyone knows it was Mary M and a few Knights Templar who put him up to it. All Jesus wanted to do was leave an image of himself on a rock. Said it would be "trippy".

Noah keeps putting "build another damn ark" in the suggestion box. He signs it Anonymous but everyone knows its him.

God tried to encourage Jesus to be more involved by telling some pretty great stories about plagues and locusts. Jesus took it and increased the numbers of bed bugs and put them weird places. Said it was "freakin funny man" to see people itching in movie theatres and furniture show rooms. "Dudes did you see that? It made the news man!"

Oy vey

Recently seen in the Heavenly Times

WANTED personal assistant for prominent son of a deity
must be organized, detail oriented and able to speak most earthly languages,
used to dealing with celebrities, animals and hippies
Duties include scheduling, motivating and light cooking
Some travel required