Who Wags Who?

Be it as a handler, admirer, aficionado or friend, I like dick. I do not like surprise dick. I have become aware of a behaviour that is bizarre at best and I believe,  exhibited by ALL straight men if given enough time or booze to become comfortable enough to do so.


I call it the dick wag.


The origin of the dick wag is unconfirmed but believed to have originated back when they made the boys and girls take separate health classes.


The other theory is that once at the beginning of the history of dicks a female actually looked the wagging dick in its eye and said "YES PLEASE!" and men have been trying ever since to replicate the experiences for themselves.


Over the years I have gathered data on a random sampling of dicks, representing the main varieties of North American Domestic dick and analyzed their waggings. The gays, or "Wild" dick are not included as their wagging habits are by nature superfluous, much better groomed. and advertised in advance so there is less chance of surprise/disgust.


A few notes on the dick wag.


Public urination is not the same thing at all.


Straight men do not as a rule wag their dicks at other straight men.


Gay men will wag wherever whenever with gusto.


Finding answers about dick wag is like finding your nearest Fight Club.


In searching for the answer to the mystery of the dick wag I found out who killed the Black Dahlia, a map to Atlantis and three horcruxes. I still have no idea why men shake their dick at women.


If you ask a man who is not at that moment waggling his dick WHY he would wag his dick and he will look at you like you just handed him a fart on a doily.


Later that night while he is passing his wife at the bathroom sink, the very same man will say "hey Babe!" and Babe will turn around mid-tweeze (praying to God, Ganesha & Wonder Woman that he has a mole and is not shaking his dick) and he will open his robe with one hand and vigorously wag his junk with the other. Moronic shit eating grin optional. Mr. hits the shower. Mrs. dies a wee bit inside.


Technically this would actually be considered a partial wag.


The partial wag, differs from the full wag in both duration and intent. The partial wag is more of a wag in passing as the wagger promptly either moves away from the female, puts the mouse back in its house, and continues about his business.


The full wag implies a frontal approach, dick in hand, with an appearance by the balls as the dick itself is jiggled up and down to entice and or amuse the unsuspecting female. It is agreed in scholarly circles that a loose or firm grip as well as hand placement is the preference of the waggler.


Some men will attempt to make their waggables appear larger by cupping the balls with the dick and wagging it all at once thereby a double wag is achieved.


Although wags do not seem to require, and rarely do they elicit, an amorous response from the female, based on the duration of awkward lingering after the initial motion, the full wag is assumed by many to be done with the hopes of some sort of sexual attention.


Either way, a proper wag is characterized as being poorly thought out and in complete disregard for female's state of interest, occupation, arousal or consciousness.


The only person who knows the motives behind a dick wag is the wagger himself. Mostly. And that is being generous because easily 3/4s of the time the wagger doesn't even know why he is wagging.


There are accounts dick wag occurring spontaneously as a result of nerves. This is a rare and alarming situation for everyone involved.


New data painstakingly derived from primary sources reveals alcohol shortens the wag waiting period exponentially, to what field researchers call "wag at first sight". This is not as disturbing but no less unsavory to the female than the spontaneous wag.


The unexpectedness of any wag is what test subjects complain about most. Its often reported that at the moment of dick wagging the victims life flashes before her eyes. In dick form.


This can be unsettling for a number of reasons. First of all, in your face like that you can't help but compare it to other dicks. You start questioning why you let this particular dick get so close. Then the questions keep coming. Why is it here? Is it rude to stare or is that what it wants? Should I say hello?


Usually your hands are already busy, your trying to clean the cat litter you can't dodge or block anything. You become disoriented, exhausted and slightly intrigued all at once. Its very confusing. You have dick shock as a result of dick wag.


Dick shock is why as a rule most women do not appreciate a surprise penis.


Once it is finally gone it is like it was never even there. Your left even more perplexed. Squatting in a weird part of the house, litter scoop in one hand, wondering "What the fuck was the point of that stupid shit? God dammit. I missed a turd."