Gentlemen Start Your Engines

Applicant Information

Name

Facebook Name

Do you have an address?

Is it clean? YES  NOT AT ALL

Same as your mom’s?

How many children?

Pets?

Roommates?

Ever had sex of any sort with your roomie/s? Drunk or sober?

Fetishes

E-mail Address

Do you like cats?

Are you taking any medication?

Is what you have dangerous or contagious? Viral/bacterial or mental?

Don’t be coy just tell me what’s wrong with you. So I may judge you.

Are you a threat to homeland security?

YES

NO

If no, are you authorized to work in Canada & will/do you?

YES

NO

Have you ever worked for this company?

YES

NO

If so, when, and why are you back?

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

White collar, Violent, Drug related or sexual/creepy?

Describe your penis in 4 words.

Education

What makes you think you’re so clever?

Does a PhD mean you’re entitled to be called Doctor at all times?

Stolichnaya or Absolut?

Star Trek or Star Wars?

Mac or PC?

Extended warranty or take your chances?

What time is cocktail hour?

Biggie or Pac?

State your 2 favourite laws of physics.

Superman or Batman?

Did you graduate?

YES

NO

What did you graduate?

References

Please list three professional references. One each financial, personal & sexual. Do not include family members.

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

A Lil Less Love in the World

As most of my regular readers know, my favorite TV show is HBO's Big Love. The series ended a few weeks ago and I can't bring myself to watch the finale.

I really enjoyed living the principal via the show. I found a family system that works very well for me. I don't want my marriage to end. Plural marriage with the Hendricksons has been my most successful relationship to date.

Since my marriage is being ripped apart by lazy writers (actually, I never bothered to find out why its ending, just assuming) I decided I needed guidance. I signed up for a free psychic reading from some lady advertising on the side of my Facebook.

I got an email back saying it will be 48hrs for my whatever to get done. I hope this is because she will be spending the next two days pouring over start charts and big dusty books bound in human skin but I have my doubts about that.

I am not really sure what to do now that I am an unwanted sister wife, alone, no one to visit me on a weekly basis for a set amount of time. (Sundays from 10-11pm).

My internet dating profiles are still active but I can't take it seriously. I am from a pretty small city and they keep trying to hook me up with drug dealers and skanks. Or survivalists from Maine. Scary.

I think I would prefer a Canadian drug dealer to an American gun nut. Since I've actually been presented with the choice and all. Wow. Thank goodness the Internet was invented.

I think that governments should use the same programs for choosing candidates Zoosk apparently uses for choosing my next boyfriend. Put in the basic profile information for Canada, then the candidates could make their profiles and then the election would advertise along the side of Facebook and people vote on who should lead Canada based on self descriptions and pics of the candidate's abs.

Voter turnout would be the highest EVER.

Hey, You Can Smell It!

I almost licked the neck of strange man yesterday. I didn't. But I really really wanted to.

Not counting coffee, beef & booze, I'm not really one for primal urges. But this guy? Oh my Jesus He smelled so good I wanted to lick his neck.

It was not cologne, after shave or stupid Axe. This was no scent purchased by some chick or put in a Christmas stocking by his mom. This scent was pure unadulterated end of a long day MAN SMELL. It was sooooooooo gooooooooooood.

It was the smell of a guy who was clean then got dirty doing an honest days work. That smell that says Babe, you will never have to call an outside guy to fix anything ever again. The beer will always be cold and the days of pumping your own gas are over.

It was the kind of smell that makes your panties pointless.

That is the smell I want to come home to me at the end of the day. I would have supper ready for that smell. I would roll socks and wordlessly wipe pee from the toilet seat for it.

I want to know what that smell turns into when its fresh out of the shower and wrapped in a towel. After a night outside around a fire whats it like to have it carry my drunk ass up to bed?

If I can find that smell again I will marry it. No frigging around, marrying it. I want to bury my face in that spot between neck and shoulder and go to sleep. I want to wake up spooned in that smell and I would so deal with that morning wood.

I want to slow dance with that smell and have it sneak up behind me while I am doing the dishes and grab my boobs.

A guy that smells like that can wag his dick at me anytime.

Tick Tock

I was watching the show about the bitchy matchmaker lady on that channel for female cliches and decided to think about some of the stuff she was saying. Just for fun.

One thing was to work out my own "issues" prior to going out looking for love. This is new. I have always hoped that I would meet and fall in love with someone who would wave his wand (tee hee) solve all my problems and if not fix my flaws, love me in spite of them. 

I don't have time for that. Issue free or not I do not think an emotionally healthy octogenarian will be as sexually appealing as a fucked up thirty ish. I am going to skip this one.

She also says I should not limit myself to a certain type or age. Okay, I can deal with this one. Within reason. I have ventured 10 years my junior and 13 years my senior. I feel that a few more years on either end and I would be either predator or prey.
As for type... Well, if under employed yet somewhat handsome is a type that would be it. Like real estate I seem to be drawn to fixer uppers. But can never flip them at the end. Not for a profit. Can't even give them away. I`ve tried.

Turd of wisdom the next, act your age and don't be judgemental.

Fuck you lady you're not the boss of me you low class new money cow!!!  scans ass and emails it to network..pours age appropriate gin & tonic.

Believe me, the very last thing I need to do right now with regards to the opposite sex is NOT be judgemental. I think I need to use ALL my judgement, my friends' judgement and the Catholic church may have some spare judgement laying around I can borrow. I'm waiting on a call back from the Vatican now.

Lets put it this way, if we gathered up my exes in a room and asked them to produce more than one tax return each for say 2005-2011 most would flee the rest would look confused and have a nap.

As for the acting my age part I don't know what that means. I am going to skip it.

I am no closer to finding someone to date than I was three months ago. I know that it is all my own fault. I am also violating another of her rules on a near constant basis, I don't make time for dating.

I can make time for just about anything. I justify validate and make appear normal, the most outrageous pass times. Dating is not one of those. Dating is a job interview. Job interviews suck. I ALWAYS get the job. I always hate my job. Therefore a successful date will result in an annoying partnership. I may have a weekend of of drunk closet purging planned but yes that is far too busy to meet you for sushi. And anyway, you invited me for sushi, now I have to explain why I don't like the trendiest food to hit Saint John in years. See, pain in my ass. I don't have time for this crap.

See, I am not one of those women who is all giddy at the thought of a phone call Wednesday for a date Saturday with Mr. Suitable. Maybe a movie through the week if you're really goal oriented. 

The thought of two Mr. Suitables a week every week until I find the most suitable of them all is exhausting. Because you know I would have sex with them.

What happens if I spend all this time that I MADE just for dating and he's a big dumb dud where I need him most? Even 10 years or more younger than me there is no excuse. Step by step instructions are available free online, there is no excuse for that kind of nonsense in this day and age. Sorry Fumbles go home. 
I am not going to sit and listen to some dudes blah blah blah for an average of 3 hours a date over 3 dates and not see what he really has to offer. I can pay for my own dinner, after 9 hours of time lost I would like my reward please. If not satisfying sex, then the satisfaction of judging the sex. On my mark, GO.

How much time do you spend with a new car before you buy it? You might ask your friends what they know about, get their man's opinion on it. You might even call your parents, its a big decision. Years of your life committed to one vehicle, possibly tens of thousands of dollars. You put a LOT of thought into buying a new car. Maybe even more than 9 hours. I am damn sure of one thing that no matter who you are, you most certainly did not buy your car without taking it for a test drive first. 

My Ding-a-Ling

I think I have a penis. A ginormous pink penis. He has nice round balls. Balls that you can't resist getting handsy with. His name is Brent and he is the most likely culprit for my failed relationships.

Brent has no patience for straight dude shenanigans. He makes me say things I swear I never would on my own. He is a bit of a drama queen and does not like to be ignored. He likes things his way. Brent initiates power struggles. It's not me it's my penis.

This excuse never seems to fly.

Brent causes confusion. He enjoys boobies so occasionally visits an establishment where the staff prefer to not cover theirs. Sometimes our date thinks this means we are open to adding a guest star to that evenings performance. Not so. Brent gets freaked out by the Bat Cave. Boobies cute, rest of it.... Brent just. CAN'T eww its too awful. Honey get Brent a mojito, will you?

Brent gives me terrible advice sometimes. I can appreciate what he says about fashion, home decor and how to land a man, its once we have the man that our opinions differ. My first instinct is to be feminine but not too much and to be cool. Brent grabs people's junk and well, acts like the power top he is.

I try to only to to HomeSense when Brent is napping. He came with me on a girls night to the dinner theatre and we were all politely asked to leave. Brent was over excited and they just kept bringing him wine. Totally their fault.

Brent is responsible for most of my impulse purchases and random acts of ass grabbing. Not me NO. All Brent.

Brent likes surprises. More accurately he likes to surprise people. Sometimes the surprises are well received. Like the orchids he picked out for Mom's birthday one year. They were a good surprise.

Others well,  just ask the guy Brent violated  surprised with glittery mauve anal beads. That vibrated.

 Brent, in papier mache

Winks Nudges & Horny Jews

I am not a good candidate for internet dating.

I have a good time answering the personality profile, always informative.

I enjoy coming up with filler for the “About Me” and “What I am looking for” boxes over a bottle of wine, makes for an entertaining evening.

My Plenty of Fish profile once included a 40 question application that I nearly burst a blood vessel in my face laughing over.

My vetting process automatically excluded anyone who answered it as being prone to answer anything sent from Facebook thereby filling up MY inbox with dumb shit they forward. What are you a teenage girl?

Match.com seems to think I will absolutely adore a guy I’ve know for years to be a giant douche.

LavaLife keeps matching me up with women and I can’t make it stop. I think it is in cahoots with my Mother, who, trying to be supportive one day threw in that she would be happy with anyone I chose to settle down with, even a woman.

I think she is secretly hoping to increase her progressive parenting credibility by raising a lesbian single parent. She lives in British Columbia. I think you get a tax rebate for sexually-hybrid children. Or is it cars? Whatever.

eHarmony describes me as a near saint-like sex kitten. (I don’t think I filled that one out right.)

There is a couple from a Jewish site who seem interested as well but that sounds like more work than I could handle. Also, not sure if what they have in mind is strictly Kosher. I don’t want to be responsible for frigging up there chances with the after life.

Fedora Please

I wish men still wore proper hats. I don’t mean ball caps. Those are caps, not hats. I also do not mean an ironic hat. I have yet to meet a hipster in a pork pie who gives me the shivers. Hat wearing is not about protecting the head. Wearing a hat is about attitude.

A man in a hat is not trying to be cool. His look is complete. A man who wears a hat projects his hat wearing even when hatless. Hat men tip well. Big from Sex and the City and George Clooney are hatless hat men. Justin Timberlake is a young man in a hat. Jay-Z and Jamie Foxx are Black men in hats.

I would like a hat man please.

A man in a hat knows not every bouquet should be roses and that no bouquet should be carnations. He owns a suit and maybe even a tux. A man in a hat knows how to buy non engagement jewellery, open a door, hail a cab, mix a drink that has more than two ingredients, cook dinner and undress a woman with his eyes and leave her feeling like she won the lottery and buy her lingerie that has a crotch.

A hat man thinks your cute when you’re angry and gets a kick out of watching you rage but will never ever ask if you are having your period. A hat man is no one’s fool.

I would like to be kissed without being whacked in the forehead with a visor.

I would also like to be picked up at the door and not texted from the car. A call Wednesday for sex Saturday instead of a drunken Facebook message at 3am would be lovely.

In return for a hat man I will be a keeper.

I will not be clingy stalky needy or demanding. I will be independent yet commanding of respect. I will put effort into my appearance but I will not wear bar clothes to a hockey game. I will not gold dig and your dog will love me.

I will always open the car door for you from the inside before putting on my seat belt.

And who says romance is dead?

Hey Hat Man,

Call me

Who Wags Who?

Be it as a handler, admirer, aficionado or friend, I like dick. I do not like surprise dick. I have become aware of a behaviour that is bizarre at best and I believe,  exhibited by ALL straight men if given enough time or booze to become comfortable enough to do so.


I call it the dick wag.


The origin of the dick wag is unconfirmed but believed to have originated back when they made the boys and girls take separate health classes.


The other theory is that once at the beginning of the history of dicks a female actually looked the wagging dick in its eye and said "YES PLEASE!" and men have been trying ever since to replicate the experiences for themselves.


Over the years I have gathered data on a random sampling of dicks, representing the main varieties of North American Domestic dick and analyzed their waggings. The gays, or "Wild" dick are not included as their wagging habits are by nature superfluous, much better groomed. and advertised in advance so there is less chance of surprise/disgust.


A few notes on the dick wag.


Public urination is not the same thing at all.


Straight men do not as a rule wag their dicks at other straight men.


Gay men will wag wherever whenever with gusto.


Finding answers about dick wag is like finding your nearest Fight Club.


In searching for the answer to the mystery of the dick wag I found out who killed the Black Dahlia, a map to Atlantis and three horcruxes. I still have no idea why men shake their dick at women.

Old Dudes on Skateboards

I love watching old dudes skateboard. You see them early in the morning or in the fog, at weird times of the year at the skate park. They have grey hair or are balding. Their clothes are maybe a little rattier from being 25 years old, or brand new and expensive. Like they went out and bought all new gear yesterday, when they said “Fuck it. I love doing this. Being 40 is not stopping me from assaulting a half pipe.” That’s what I love. That there is a 14 year old flipping off cops inside of someone’s Dad.

I love men for their ability to do things they love their whole lives. There are old dudes in old dude leagues for just about every sport you can think of. There are old dudes in garage bands right now jamming like their first gig is this weekend. They build fishing shacks and hunting shacks that are just grown up forts. Old dudes are pulling each others' fingers, giving each other grief and calling themselves by 30 year old nick names. They never forget how to play.