I'm not doing well with online dating. To be fair, I have not even opened a message yet. Messages annoy me. I don't like the implied responsibility that I must respond. Or even open them.
I definitely should not have signed up for the ones that do not let you at least look at the people on their site before joining. Seriously, if 90% of your male members are more Costanza than Clooney just say so. Some women really don't care. In my experience the less classically attractive men are better in the sack because they are more grateful to be there.
baldingdudesinsweatpants.com they could offer free subscriptions to the ladies from playingbingoinstretchypants.com
I made those both up. But help yourself. Be proactive, buy domains and build the sights. I wont sue for royalties until I think you have a sweet nest egg built up.
I know I am not exactly helping myself. I know I am a big weirdo. I insist on hanging out with wildly inappropriate guy friends who only introduce me to more undesirables. I don't even know where to find speed dating or singles mingles or whatever the hell you would find here. It is not like I live in a big city with places to go and stuff to do. Oh God no. I can't even visualize what Saint John would have to offer.Ten Dollar Speed Dating with a bottomless cup o draft? ewwwww
I enjoy coming up with tag lines and stuff for the profiles. My personal favorite was " Going out with me is like dating your best friend. Minus all the awkward extra penis." oh, little did they know...
I also enjoy passing time by drinking gin & tonics and making profiles for other people, setting the most permissive email notification settings possible and immediately forgetting the user name and password. Yet, at the time, I had perfect recall of their email addresses height weight and eye colour. Its almost as if I thought it would be funny to see how much dirty email they would get and just mashed the keyboard with my palm hit tab then mashed again to confirm. Almost.
I am considering an application process.
I will give a bunch of Boyfriend application forms to people I think have decent enough judgment. All forms must be received by a certain date. Then they will be copied and packages with the forms, photocopies of valid photo ID along with two personal references will be forwarded to a jury of my peers.
These learned men and women of the jury will carefully consider each application and present me with their top selections. We will then sit down over food and wine and creep on the candidates' Facebook profiles. The ones who get friended go to round 2.
Round 2 will most likely consist of more forms and copies of eHarmony questionnaires who's results will be determined using no scientific process what so ever. Mostly more drinking creeping, laughing and possible impersonations. This exercise would allow me to indulge my passion for asking awkward questions demanding a response then showing that response to all my friends and mocking it for hours.
I am not optimistic anyone would survive round 2 but the finalists would continue to round 3. I'm not sure what this round would entail, possibly an essay and sex. I haven't thought that far. I keep getting stuck on round 2. It interests me more.
Incomplete or spoiled forms will not be accepted.
I also can't accept any offers from guys claiming to read this blog. I appreciate that you read it absolutely. Its that you read it and want to fuck me that freaks me out. Like, Really? MY blog. You're sure? Which one, the one about the magazine or the one about how I have a dick? What about that did you find attractive, and please sir, be specific. Come again? What sort of fucked up man purse of psychosis are you prancing around with?
For some reason I assume a dude who's attracted to me knowing Brent is waiting in the wings would be prone to prancing.
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