Gentlemen Start Your Engines

Applicant Information

Name

Facebook Name

Do you have an address?

Is it clean? YES  NOT AT ALL

Same as your mom’s?

How many children?

Pets?

Roommates?

Ever had sex of any sort with your roomie/s? Drunk or sober?

Fetishes

E-mail Address

Do you like cats?

Are you taking any medication?

Is what you have dangerous or contagious? Viral/bacterial or mental?

Don’t be coy just tell me what’s wrong with you. So I may judge you.

Are you a threat to homeland security?

YES

NO

If no, are you authorized to work in Canada & will/do you?

YES

NO

Have you ever worked for this company?

YES

NO

If so, when, and why are you back?

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

White collar, Violent, Drug related or sexual/creepy?

Describe your penis in 4 words.

Education

What makes you think you’re so clever?

Does a PhD mean you’re entitled to be called Doctor at all times?

Stolichnaya or Absolut?

Star Trek or Star Wars?

Mac or PC?

Extended warranty or take your chances?

What time is cocktail hour?

Biggie or Pac?

State your 2 favourite laws of physics.

Superman or Batman?

Did you graduate?

YES

NO

What did you graduate?

References

Please list three professional references. One each financial, personal & sexual. Do not include family members.

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

Full Name

How do they know you?

Email address

What do you think they will say about you?

Job Posting

Blue Balls of the Soul Inc. Job Posting

Job Title:		Boyfriend		Job Category:			Service & Labor (non-profit)
Department/Group:		Department of Entertainment & Household Chores		Job Code/ Req#:			BF4N0W
Location:		Lovely Saint John NB		Travel Required:			Maybe, depends where you are now, what you consider travel & where I want to go.
Level/Salary Range:		Unpaid		Position Type:			Intern
HR Contact:		The committee will contact you		Date posted:			June 26, 2011
Will Train Applicant(s):		Training will be determined based on potential		Posting Expires:			Without notice
External posting URL:		www.blueballsofthesoul.com
Internal posting URL:
Applications Accepted By:
E-mail: thegirlwithblueballs@gmail.com Subject Line: I want you to want me			Failure to comply with submission instructions will result in immediate rejection.
Job Description
Role and Responsibilities The following is a partial list of duties and related tasks you will be expected to perform should you be hired for the position. The more of these that you can do without being asked the more likely you will be hired on permanently after the internship. Permanent positions are also unpaid. ·         Mix drinks, carry heavy things, open car doors & hold my purse ·         Fix stuff & help paint in a charming and funny way like in movie montages of happy couples doing renos ·         Give my girlfriends non creepy compliments, help them move & pick us up from the bar. ·         Find common ground with my guy friends, buy some rounds and suck it up they were here before you. ·         Shamelessly suck up to my family. It will be a first and they will think it’s hilarious. ·         Don’t bug my kids. They will let you know if they give a shit you exist. ·         Support crazy schemes, random adventures, bizarre projects and public shenanigans. ·         Know when I am sick of you for now and it is time to go home before I do and leave. Qualifications and Education Requirements & Preferred Skills Candidates must be literate, have a grasp of how the world works and the goings on in it. If most news is gathered from the Daily Show, that is fine. Working knowledge of household and female plumbing is a must. Additional Notes All applications will go through a rigorous evaluation/mocking. Only those candidates moving on to the 2nd round of the interview process will be friended on Facebook.
Reviewed By:	Spell check				Date:	June 26, 2011
Approved By:	The Central Scrutinizer				Date:	June 26, 2011
Last Updated By:	Typing stuff in boxes				Date/Time:	June 26, 2011

Sign Here...Here...Here AND Here...and Initial There..aaaaaannd Here

I'm not doing well with online dating. To be fair, I have not even opened a message yet. Messages annoy me. I don't like the implied responsibility  that I must respond. Or even open them.

I definitely should not have signed up for the ones that do not let you at least look at the people on their site before joining. Seriously, if 90% of your male members are more Costanza than Clooney just say so. Some women really don't care. In my experience the less classically attractive men are better in the sack because they are more grateful to be there.

baldingdudesinsweatpants.com they could offer free subscriptions to the ladies from playingbingoinstretchypants.com

I made those both up. But help yourself. Be proactive, buy domains and build the sights. I wont sue for royalties until I think you have a sweet nest egg built up.

I know I am not exactly helping myself. I know I am a big weirdo. I insist on hanging out with wildly inappropriate guy friends who only introduce me to more undesirables. I don't even know where to find speed dating or singles mingles or whatever the hell you would find here. It is not like I live in a big city with places to go and stuff to do. Oh God no. I can't even visualize what Saint John would have to offer.Ten Dollar Speed Dating with a bottomless cup o draft? ewwwww

I enjoy coming up with tag lines and stuff for the profiles. My personal favorite was " Going out with me is like dating your best friend. Minus all the awkward extra penis." oh, little did they know...

I also enjoy passing time by drinking gin & tonics and making profiles for other people, setting the most permissive email notification settings possible and immediately forgetting the user name and password. Yet, at the time, I had perfect recall of their email addresses height weight and eye colour. Its almost as if I thought it would be funny to see how much dirty email they would get and just mashed the keyboard with my palm hit tab then mashed again to confirm. Almost.

I am considering an application process.

I will give a bunch of Boyfriend application forms to people I think have decent enough judgment. All forms must be received by a certain date. Then they will be copied and packages with the forms, photocopies of valid photo ID along with two personal references will be forwarded to a jury of my peers.

These learned men and women of the jury will carefully consider each application and present me with their top selections. We will then sit down over food and wine and creep on the candidates' Facebook profiles. The ones who get friended go to round 2.

Round 2 will most likely consist of more forms and copies of eHarmony questionnaires who's results will be determined using no scientific process what so ever. Mostly more drinking creeping, laughing and possible impersonations. This exercise would allow me to indulge my passion for asking awkward questions demanding a response then showing that response to all my friends and mocking it for hours.
I am not optimistic anyone would survive round 2 but the finalists would continue to round 3. I'm not sure what this round would entail, possibly an essay and sex. I haven't thought that far. I keep getting stuck on round 2. It interests me more.

Incomplete or spoiled forms will not be accepted.

I also can't accept any offers from guys claiming to read this blog. I appreciate that you read it absolutely. Its that you  read it and want to fuck me that freaks me out. Like, Really? MY blog. You're sure? Which one, the one about the magazine or the one about how I have a dick? What about that did you find attractive, and please sir, be specific. Come again? What sort of fucked up man purse of psychosis are you prancing around with?

For some reason I assume a dude who's attracted to me knowing Brent is waiting in the wings would be prone to prancing.