Pants Pretty Pretty Please

If I wish men would wear real hats and start acting a wee bit more civilized, I really really wish hope and pray that women would put on proper bottoms and do the same.

Not to throw women's lib back into the Feminine Mystique or anything, no need for corsets and petty coats, but it sure would be nice to not see a bunch of slovenly hags in pajama pants and fake Ed Hardy bags polluting the scenery.

How do I know the bag is fake? Someone who can spend the money for a real bag can also afford pants. We are not here to debate Ed Hardy's dubious status as a "designer" vs. meth-smoking bedazzler.

In theory when you get up in the morning you should be putting on fresh clean panties. So if you had on pajamas you would need to take them off to put on your underwear. Is it really that fucking difficult once you are standing there bare legged to put on something other than the same pajama bottoms you had on last night? OR if you are standing there in your skivvies why in hell would you dig out a fresh pair of pj pants instead of putting on a real garment meant for the out doors?

Is it buttons or zippers that are the problem? Are there wandering thousands of women who have undiagnosed phobias about zippers? I don't think it is an issue of malfunctioning fingers because they seem able to apply make up and bump its with ease if not actual style.

Is it somehow more difficult to coordinate and outfit with neutral jeans or black pants than pink flannel with cupcakes or baby blue fleece with clouds and lightening bolts? I just don't understand. Does the 4 extra seconds it takes to do up a zipper mean one less coat of mascara? I mean, once you have on eleven is one more going to make that much of a difference? Suddenly elevate you from cheap imitation Snookie to the real thing?

Now about one's lady bits. I know mine prefer, nay, insist upon, freshly laundered undergarments. DAILY. Sometimes more. If you are just rolling out of bed and staying in your pajama pants when do you change your underwear? Again it goes back to your either too stupid or lazy to put on pants or your keeping the same dirty panties on. Or, if you go commando how often do you launder your jammies?

You "ladies" who wear the same pajamas for a couple days, are you somehow affixing a panty liner to the crotch? Or, if your changing the pajama pants daily, AGAIN, why not put on real pants?

You cannot argue poverty because I know for a fact, pajama pants do not grow on trees. Also, I have a feeling that if you spent all your money on your ho-nail tips you would probably not go picking pj's off trees. Admit it, you spent real cash on pajamas with the intent to wear them as pants out in public.

Answer me this one thing then please if you cannot come up with a reply to anything else. Why would you not by black pajama pants? They could conceivably, by blind people, be mistaken for a palazzo pant maybe or a granny slack. Is that somehow not an acceptable image for you to project to the public? Is a mentally-ill lazy dirty crotched weirdo without opposable thumbs better?  How?

Please submit your 500 words on "Why I should be allowed to not get dressed and still leave the house" for judging and see if you can change my mind.

However, seeing as there is  a current shortage of peyote here in New Brunswick for me to do prior to reading your submissions, I highly doubt any of you will succeed. But feel free to try. Just remember you can't email crayon scrawled on a napkin.