TV Out the Window, Teeth in the Glass

I will never attempt politics because I am a scandal waiting to happen. Regardless how presentable I am NOW, there are years of fabulously bad behavior that will keep me out of office no matter how many officials get bribed.


I can sometimes still live up to expectations when required. But as a regular civilian non celebrity I have had the luxury of being allowed to put down the JD and grow the hell up. Thousands of people the world over are not suicidaly disappointed if I decide to quietly sit in and knit.


I appreciate not being obligated to live up to my reputation. I will never wear mom jeans but I can safely put my hot pants days behind me. My presence is not expected at 3am after parties. 


I get mocked when I bail on parties to have a bubble bath and a nap, but whats it like when you have thirty plus years of boozing od's spandex pants and fornication to live up to? How do you slow down without selling out? 


Everyone roots for the flamboyantly damaged rock star to clean up their acts, but only just enough to be able to perform live. We like our bad boys permanently bad. Teetering on an edge, flirting, nay, fucking with danger. Young studs trashing hotel rooms full of naked stoned groupies. 


Its pretty sad now to see Steven Tyler without his shirt on but it would be sadder still to see him shuffling around a golf course with a mint green polo shirt tucked into high waisted Dockers.


No one wants to imagine what Keith Richards & Mich Jagger's balls look like NOW. (My guess is two tangerines in a mesh grocery bag) But we still want to hear them sing about getting high and busting a nut. 


What is it like for these bad old boys? Going from hot oil massages from hot jail bait before a show to ointment rub downs from their nurse after. Male actors can age gracefully into old guy roles, even knock out a few somewhat believable action movies into their 60s & 70s if they have the right kind of firm jaw line to eye wrinkle ratio.


The fact that they keep at it, in comeback after comeback, shows how much their persona have become necessary parts of their personalities. What they hell would they do if they just up and retired? I saw the Who perform My Generation in about 1989 ish. It was weird then and it would be weirder still to see it now. Rod Stewart singing Do Ya Think I'm Sexy, um, ew no I do not.  If Motley Crue were Smokin in a Boys Room now they would end up as registered sex offenders. As for Van Halen Hot For Teacher, how un-hot is that picture when its a young hot teacher and this?


At this point Geriat-Rock songs that were anthems of a generation and tributes to debauchery and  are now, when performed live, ironic. But we would not have it any other way. Rock on Old Dude, rock on.

A Lil Less Love in the World

As most of my regular readers know, my favorite TV show is HBO's Big Love. The series ended a few weeks ago and I can't bring myself to watch the finale.

I really enjoyed living the principal via the show. I found a family system that works very well for me. I don't want my marriage to end. Plural marriage with the Hendricksons has been my most successful relationship to date.

Since my marriage is being ripped apart by lazy writers (actually, I never bothered to find out why its ending, just assuming) I decided I needed guidance. I signed up for a free psychic reading from some lady advertising on the side of my Facebook.

I got an email back saying it will be 48hrs for my whatever to get done. I hope this is because she will be spending the next two days pouring over start charts and big dusty books bound in human skin but I have my doubts about that.

I am not really sure what to do now that I am an unwanted sister wife, alone, no one to visit me on a weekly basis for a set amount of time. (Sundays from 10-11pm).

My internet dating profiles are still active but I can't take it seriously. I am from a pretty small city and they keep trying to hook me up with drug dealers and skanks. Or survivalists from Maine. Scary.

I think I would prefer a Canadian drug dealer to an American gun nut. Since I've actually been presented with the choice and all. Wow. Thank goodness the Internet was invented.

I think that governments should use the same programs for choosing candidates Zoosk apparently uses for choosing my next boyfriend. Put in the basic profile information for Canada, then the candidates could make their profiles and then the election would advertise along the side of Facebook and people vote on who should lead Canada based on self descriptions and pics of the candidate's abs.

Voter turnout would be the highest EVER.

A Tad Overweight But With Violet Eyes to Die For

I am so saddened by the passing of that beautiful little girl from National Velvet.

Elizabeth Taylor belonged to an elite group of women. Iconic, beautiful, talented, famous and difficult. Born in England to American parents her birth year, 1932, alone saw the arrivals of Johnny Cash, John Updike, Sylvia Plath, Halston, Jacques Chirac, Ellen Burstyn, Oscar de la Renta, Patsy Cline and Ted Kennedy to name but a few. With violet eyes to die for and a natural glamour even as a child she stood out among a huge pool of talent. 

Elizabeth Taylor was one of the Good People. Her friendship with the wonderful Rock Hudson spawned hundreds of millions for AIDS research and charities. I love her for that. I love her for being a friend to a Gay man "back then" and when he died of AIDS in 1985 she made it her life's work to try and stop AIDS from taking other peoples' friends.

As late as 2006 well into her 70s she was on the ball and making huge donations to AIDS patients in the wake of hurricane Katrina. I think she was there before the president or FEMA but that's another post.

She was a mother of four, a wife of seven (married actually 8 times twice to Richard Burton, can you blame her? DREAMY) and lover of ummm quite a few. I adore that she married the men she loved most. She believed in love, that this one is forever. She never gave up hope. 

I love Elizabeth Taylor because right after brain surgery she had her dog brought into her. I would so do that.

I love that her surviving friends keep saying they remember how giving she was, how beautiful, and how funny.

No matter how you remember her, as a young girl in Lassie Come Home, as a full grown and very beautiful woman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, or as the Queen of the Nile herself Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor was one of the greats.

Elizabeth Taylor 1932-2011 Friend, Humanitarian, Mother, Oscar Winner, Wife

"A tad overweight but with violet eyes to die for"  Doonesbury, January 1979 by Gary Trudeau

Pants Pretty Pretty Please

If I wish men would wear real hats and start acting a wee bit more civilized, I really really wish hope and pray that women would put on proper bottoms and do the same.

Not to throw women's lib back into the Feminine Mystique or anything, no need for corsets and petty coats, but it sure would be nice to not see a bunch of slovenly hags in pajama pants and fake Ed Hardy bags polluting the scenery.

How do I know the bag is fake? Someone who can spend the money for a real bag can also afford pants. We are not here to debate Ed Hardy's dubious status as a "designer" vs. meth-smoking bedazzler.

In theory when you get up in the morning you should be putting on fresh clean panties. So if you had on pajamas you would need to take them off to put on your underwear. Is it really that fucking difficult once you are standing there bare legged to put on something other than the same pajama bottoms you had on last night? OR if you are standing there in your skivvies why in hell would you dig out a fresh pair of pj pants instead of putting on a real garment meant for the out doors?

Who Would You Rather? Canadian Edition

Canadian "Entertainment". I love it. All of it. The sad sad game shows. The French children's shows that scare the crap out of children. The boring dramas. The ugly fashion.The Hinterland Who's Who. I love to be embarrassed by it. I love to hate it. I love to see it live. I love to touch it and hear it. I love to hate the CBC and the National Film Board and the National Gallery. I love to support it and I love to trash it.

I can't help myself. There is just so much to make fun of. The Canadian arts and entertainment industry is such a mish mash of weirdness and meat dresses and some truly great stuff that I actually don't even know where to start or go or end with the topic now that I've started.

Big Love

The show Big Love returns to HBO on Sunday and I'm pretty pumped. I love that show! I'm also a great big voyeur when it comes to polygamy. It FASCINATES me. Especially when "normal" women are involved.

The thing about the show that I find so great is that the characters are likable, Bill Paxton doesn't come across as a horny redneck like dude on Sister Wives. However I do like the sister wives, especially #3. I wish she was my wife! Anyway Big Love does NOT creep me out and I enjoy the thinking I do when its over.

The book the 19th Wife is a must read for anyone who may be interested in the topic.

So what I most often end up thinking about is how I would handle it, as a 1st wife or as an add-on. I have a hard time giving any credibility to any man who did not grow up with polygamy or as a Mormon (or whatever) who all of a sudden decides "That's the church for me!" and starts acquiring wives. Don't hide behind religion because you a bit of a perv.

Personally, I see a lot of positive benefits to polygamy. I know I'm not supposed to say it out loud but I do. I do not agree with the bull shit that goes on in Bountiful BC or on those compounds in the States. That is using religion as a front for behaviour that is NOT acceptable on ANY level.

What I do believe is that not everyone wants or needs a soul mate. Some people are just better at sharing. Not everyone wants the level of attention or commitment that a traditional relationship entails. Not everyone really wants or needs someone next to them every single night. 

I am extremely fortunate to have excellent relationships with the Mothers of my Daughter's half-brothers, her Dad's ex before me and his current girlfriend. While I would probably shoot myself in the face before ever ever ever having a sexual relationship with him again the idea of a great big house like on Big Love with the girls and the babies is very attractive.

I love being at home cooking and doing crafts and all that crap and the other two work like fiends. I like the idea of sitting at a table with two women who love my kids as much as I do and talking about all the STUFF over a glass of wine, knowing that they will help make sure everything is OK. Like having your best friends there all the time.

Even in a situation where I was sleeping with the man I can see me not being adverse to another wife or two. I prefer sleeping alone, I hate being the sole focus of a man's attention, I don't like working outside the home and I like being around other women.

To be fair, I do feel that if he's nipping over to other wing of the house for a cuddle I and the spare wife should be able to have piece on the side if we want.To be truthful, I would just be happy to NOT be expected to put out. Oh to say "Honey, I'm making hats for the cats tonight, can you go see what Jane's is up to?" and have him go "OK" sound divine. No debate, no compromise, no " Do from behind so I can see the TV then, Gawd."

When I break it down its my ideal relationship. Because I'm lazy.

Alternatively, I would be the best Beard ever. Hey rich Gays, give me a call!