Winks Nudges & Horny Jews

I am not a good candidate for internet dating.

I have a good time answering the personality profile, always informative.

I enjoy coming up with filler for the “About Me” and “What I am looking for” boxes over a bottle of wine, makes for an entertaining evening.

My Plenty of Fish profile once included a 40 question application that I nearly burst a blood vessel in my face laughing over.

My vetting process automatically excluded anyone who answered it as being prone to answer anything sent from Facebook thereby filling up MY inbox with dumb shit they forward. What are you a teenage girl?

Match.com seems to think I will absolutely adore a guy I’ve know for years to be a giant douche.

LavaLife keeps matching me up with women and I can’t make it stop. I think it is in cahoots with my Mother, who, trying to be supportive one day threw in that she would be happy with anyone I chose to settle down with, even a woman.

I think she is secretly hoping to increase her progressive parenting credibility by raising a lesbian single parent. She lives in British Columbia. I think you get a tax rebate for sexually-hybrid children. Or is it cars? Whatever.

eHarmony describes me as a near saint-like sex kitten. (I don’t think I filled that one out right.)

There is a couple from a Jewish site who seem interested as well but that sounds like more work than I could handle. Also, not sure if what they have in mind is strictly Kosher. I don’t want to be responsible for frigging up there chances with the after life.

I tend to get a lot of replies. I answer a few. They seem nice. Ish. If you can suspend all normal rational thought and really truly believe they have perfectly non sociopathic reasons for being single. I can’t.

It all falls apart because I get creeped out by the whole thing and never log in again.

All the sites keep sending matches. I feel kind of guilty about ignoring them but not really. Ultimately all the sites make me feel like a mail order bride. Why is some guy from California looking to hook up with a girl from New Brunswick? Because you like that I like The Office? You just happen prefer women who say “Eh” and can drink you under the table? Is that a valid reason for a 9 hour flight?

Or is it that you are forbidden from going within 25 yards of the women closer to home? They may have heard of your shenanigans the next state over?

I know I am online because I don’t trust my friends to set me up. They’re judgement is as bad as my own in most cases. Or they say dumb shit like, “what about my man’s Dad?” Uhhhh…. I’m not BROKE and single. Just single thank you very much.

I assume men are online because they have lost all credibility with every female they have ever met personally within quite a large radius. The farther away they are the more suspicious I am. I assume “self employed” without further details means drug dealer, pornographer or poacher.

“Enjoys frequent spontaneous travel” means you are on the run from the authorities or a shocking number of baby-mammas.

“I have many female friends” means I have no male friends because I am a giant man whore who cannot be trusted alone with anything female including friends’ girlfriends, daughters, sisters and mothers.

“I enjoy solitude and online gaming” means you play World of War Craft for days on end masturbating to girls’ profile pics that show the top of their cleavage and nothing else.

In fact there is nothing a man can say on the internet that will make me feel safe and willing to come within three feet of them, no matter how well lit and crowded the chosen date site is.

I KNOW it is not all them. I KNOW there are fantastic men out there. I was raised by two of them and gave birth to one. I have male friends I fall all over myself to hook up with my friends because they are AWESOME.

Its all me. My poor judgement, my bad attitude, my laziness, my short attention span and my cynicism, my baggage and my decision to assume anyone interested in me is defective.

I have decided to accept the next date I am asked on. NOT the next drunk dial or sext. You heard me, I said DATE. If I get asked I will go. With a man or a woman, why limit myself? As long as you don't think you will mind hearing the words"Resistance is futile" before, and "Bitch make me a sandwich" after sex, look me up.

Oh. I'm sorry. Did that last sentence make me unappealing in some way to just about everyone? How sad. Guess I will have to go back to doing whatever I want whenever I want.