No Thank You, I'm Still Full From Dinner

If I have a panic attack whenever I look at my bathing suit, I can only imagine how the bathing suit feels. I feel like I should kiss it before I try to squeeze in.

I am no where near as svelte as I thought I would be by now. It is not my fault. I am being sabotaged. Every time I go to the Wii to work out batteries are missing from the controllers. I find it hard to believe that in a home with multiple electronic devices and a pit bull, someone keeps getting in and stealing only the re chargeable batteries from the Wii remotes, one or two at a time. Why? Why would someone do that? Don’t they know about the bizarre band of fat around my mid section? If they come back I’m gonna show it to them and traumatize them for life. Talk about scared straight. Pretty sure they will be scared gay. Flamboyantly gay.

I usually ask both offspring where the batteries are, and am met with blank stares like this is the first they are hearing about us having a Wii. Then I make a sarcastic comment to each of them and stomp around muttering to myself about ingrates and my body mass index.  I’m a big jiggling mess. Cranky too. We mustn’t forget the cranky. I need to get this weight off me NOW! None of my fat clothes from last year fit me.

The kids also started seeking out other places to eat so I had to start being a bit more kid friendly again at meal time and its really damn hard to try and find a balance with what I am trying to do with food and what they will willingly consume. On what planet is a black bean taco fun OR delicious? And why put random greens on everything? Kids hate leaves. I can get mine to eat spinach quiche but if I put a baby spinach leaf on their plate there is instant mutiny. Why must raw veggies be so gross? Please don’t suggest dip. My kids don’t do ketchup, ranch, plum, sweet & sour or BBQ. Only gravy. I wonder where they get that?

If I switched to some kind of raw food diet, they would both starve. I would be thin and bitchy and they would be on the floor with flies on their faces and totally ignored plates of sprouts and edame within reach. People say kids will eventually eat anything once they are hungry enough. Not mine. Hell no. They would come up with some kind of shepherd’s pie getting scheme or die out of spite. The night that I made egg plant the boy miraculously found a friend who was having pizza, with meat on it, and the girl made herself Kraft dinner, with cut up hot dogs. I love it. I try to go healthy and they go right for the white trash casserole.   

It is very discouraging to spend 20 of 30 minutes of cooking time chopping vegetables and fresh herbs only to find most of them picked out and on the side of the plate later. My new trick of adding bacon to every vegetarian dish does gets them to eat it but totally defeats the purpose. Its not their fault that so many grains and vegetables taste like shit and bacon hides that with sweet smoky piggy goodness.

I have been told many times that the whatever super food that tastes awful of the moment is an acquired taste. I have to ask, why on God's green earth would I want to acquire a taste for moldy ass? So I could live a few extra years and enjoy a few more bowls of assy goodness? No thank you.

An ex once requested I lick his butthole. When I declined on the basis of having taste buds he assured me it was an acquired taste. No thank you. Not even stuffed with bacon.