Who Would You Rather? Canadian Edition

Canadian "Entertainment". I love it. All of it. The sad sad game shows. The French children's shows that scare the crap out of children. The boring dramas. The ugly fashion.The Hinterland Who's Who. I love to be embarrassed by it. I love to hate it. I love to see it live. I love to touch it and hear it. I love to hate the CBC and the National Film Board and the National Gallery. I love to support it and I love to trash it.

I can't help myself. There is just so much to make fun of. The Canadian arts and entertainment industry is such a mish mash of weirdness and meat dresses and some truly great stuff that I actually don't even know where to start or go or end with the topic now that I've started.

I remember when the National Gallery of Canada displayed a meat dress in 1987. It was way cuter than GaGa's. But still a fucking meat dress. For God's sake. Really?

What I have noticed most is that there is no middle ground with Canadian entertainment offerings. It rocks or sucks. No so so, no meh, no it was OK. Its awful or its great. Period. Even from the same source, a author will write one of the best books and then you find the rest of their work and its like a wheat field in book form. Ditto music, TV and movies. I would probably say plays too, but I gave up on most of those a very very long time ago.

When Canadians decide they like something they go all out. Shirtless painted screaming drunk kind of fandom up in here. Try insulting Margaret Atwood in front of a Women's Studies student and you'll see what I mean. We are passionate defenders of our celebrities. Even I will hear myself saying "Oh I don't own any Celine Dion but if I went to Vegas I would go to her show. I hear its awesome. Kathy Griffin fucking loves it!" Ummm yes and no. Kathy Griffin loves Celine, but I will not see the show. Not for money anyway.

I will go see Kathy talk about the show. She knows how to appreciate Canadian entertainment. Its a gift that keeps on giving. After you watch the show you get hours more fun discussing of what weird shit you just saw. Like I said I love doing it.

I watch all our awful TV shows a few time a year each. They stay on for years because if you try to cancel anything all 300 die hard fans lose their shit. In public and internationally. It becomes easier to keep it on until the actors start pleading to Amnesty International to be released from their contracts.

 It makes sense financially. While one boring show about hicks in northern western Atlantic small town stereotypes runs the network has time to save a few thousand dollars to paint the sets for a new show. Then they  recycle the same actors into a gripping drama about CEO lawyers and TV producing cops in Toronto or Vancouver. Winnipeg if its really gritty and they need to meet the Natives on TV in both depressing and non depressing roles rule. St. John's if someone won a grant.

I also like how we follow in the BBC tradition and don't burdens our celebrities with the demands of attractiveness. On the one hand it means we have an amazing pool of truly talented artists committed to their craft for the sake of the craft and not just a big lot of vacuous fame whores. We don't have Kardashians we have Sutherlands. On the other hand it makes for some goddamn boring pretentious and embarrassingly crinky (creepy + kinky) viewing.

There is also a very depressing lack of celebrity sex tapes. Pamela Anderson (God love her) excluded, we have not seen a lot of evidence that our celebrities are doing any humping and if they are they are either A. not filming or B. know how to lock a safe.

Is there a treasure trove of  homemade porn somewhere at Leonard Cohen and Rebecca DeMornay's place? Would a video of Choclair taking a pee on Ellen Page have the same effect as Kim K's or R Kelly's infamous water sports clips. Brent Butt and Niki Payne strap on extravaganza Payne in the Butt practically markets itself.

Who would be our most likely hook ups? Post Juno or Gemini awards or something, they are all there, champagne's flowing, who is going home with who?

Kim Cattrall and Mike Myers? Shania Twain and Michael Buble? Jully Black and Justin Bieber? Buffy St. Marie and Maestro Fresh Wes? Tom Green and Margaret Atwood? Linda Evangelista and Kd Lang?

Which would you rather? Stuck on a desert island you have to chose between Corner Gas & Danger Bay for TV,  Justin Bieber or Anne Murray for music, and a very horny Red Green or Celine Dion for sex.

Think about it.