My Favorite Drug

In many cultures supposedly a period of good luck plentiful harvests and what have you is followed by a shorter nasty period where you have to prove you deserve another good harvest or few more sons whatever. Feast or Famine. Its nature. And its predictable. The wheel of fortune slowly rotates sometimes your at the top and sometimes not.

Except in my world the wheel of fortune is about 6 inches in diameter. There is not 3 YEARS of plenty let alone 3 months. Also it's axle is broken and mice get stuck in it and die sometimes and the whole thing jams until ol' Opie pokes em out with a broom handle. Then it goes to fast for a bit and needs to be taken apart and put back together. Stupid old technology and non union labor. I can only afford workers unburdened by excess paperwork.

For example on a Tuesday I find out the Government owes me a thousand dollars. Nice chunk of change, big help with Christmas. Then on Thursday I will get fired.  The wheel goes up the wheel goes down.  

It never ever ends.

The challenge is not just in coming up with new jobs or playing daily games of find the money to feed the children it is in keeping from giving up and still being able to find joy and laugh at least twice a day.  

The saying don't sweat the small stuff is a good saying but I think it devalues the small stuff. If I didn't balls out rejoice when any little thing went my way ($5 still in bank account day before payday WHOO HOOO!) there would be very little rejoicing. On the other hand if I had a bird over every slightly less than good thing I would be a heavily medicated ward of the state by now. 

On that note I have to admit that I have been taking heavy doses of Fuckit for years. It makes a big difference. Also, when on Fuckit you have to keep your eyes forward and keep looking beyond the present. If you have a destination, even a vague one, its is so much easier to ignore the stupid crap that slows you down. It is also easier when taking Fuckit to take the time to enjoy the fun stuff that happens on the way. Beware the less potent generic Screwit. That's how people end up on a couch with a can of baccy and bag of cheetos for twenty years. 

So my sick time is used up and my daughter insists she is sick and keeps falling asleep and running a fever just to prove her point. The people I know who are not working right now are either sick themselves, home with babies & oddly not willing to bring them over or don't work because they are just not fit for much of anything and I will leave my kid there when you leave yours. 

Here is where the Fuckit starts working on my brain and body. Fuckit says you know what? She's sick and too young to be home alone, worst case you get fired. The rules say missing time to care for a dependent can get you employment insurance. So worst worst case you get fired from a job you hate and you can have some support while you find something else. But Christmas is coming. Fuckit says fuck it, the kids will do fine and its not about the presents. Fuck it says your kids will just be happy your home. Fuckit lets you relax and encourages air to enter your lungs. It takes away the myheadisfloatingoffmybody feeling of panic and gives some clarity of thought. Fuckit opens windows when doors close. In extreme cases it is the Fuckit that has people chew off their own limbs to keep on truckin. 

But I need two arms! Fuckit says fuck you, you need to get the hell out of here and something to eat wouldn't hurt! nom nom nom....

So here I am, full of Fuckit and ready for anything. Wish me luck.

The Friendly Skies

Soooo about that airline industry then. I did my time. Employee, passenger, critic. I've done it all. I have heard the stories from all sides. I LIVED it. I still have flash backs, tics and rage issues.


I once located a lost Mexican in the Vancouver (YVR) airport from my desk across the country in Saint John (YSJ). He was joyfully reunited with a seriously freaked out exchange student hostess. I got a letter that got pinned to a bulletin board. One day all the letters got taken down with no warning. An anonymous employee put up a small sign.


All Commendations Are Suspended Until Office Morale Improves.

The sign stayed up for a surprisingly long time. Employees thought "that sounds about right." The managers assumed one of their own did it and Boy,  what a great motivational quote! They probably had post it notes and wall plaques made.


On more than one occasion I put my headset down on my desk and wept. It is not as sad as it sounds, I was not alone. At any given time at least two people were having some kind of breakdown or getting pregnant  to get some time off.


Same shit every day. No empowerment, over worked Leads who had minimal empowerment and customer service managers who locked themselves in offices surrounded by travel posters and flat out refused to talk to customers. It was almost fun to try and ask them too. The look of fear was exquisite.


One of them thought he was awesome and tried put red and blue pin stripes on his giant white car. Not sure exactly how the police may have found out but apparently they think that's weird and worth a visit. Something about "impersonating and officer of the law" or something.


A "female" csm used to wear amazing black pantyhose with small white schnauzers on them. Pretty much sums up her personality, strange, unattractive and sweat inducing.


Once while many of you were waiting 84 minutes and up on hold I was pulled of the phone into the general manager of the call center's office, for a total of about 20 minutes. I had a sweater on the back of my chair you see, that bothered him. Did I mention that 18 of those minutes were me waiting out side his office to be seen? Like a kid at the principal's office. MMMM dignified. When he finally opened his door the round headed bastard had forgotten why he called me in. That is some good management right there. Hope you liked the hold music. 


Once, again during peak season with 50 minute hold times I was asked in all seriousness to account for approximately 4 minutes of time in "Not Ready" 2 and half years before. I don't know, I was peeing? Screaming into my own lap? Bashing my  head of the desk? Writing a futile request for a manager to please for the love of God call this guy who's baby we lost en route to Dulles International, at least give him a voucher or something for a new one.


What you don't realize is the poor bastards you are abusing about shit they have absolutely no control over, like the apparently "headache inducing" colour of the upholstery,  are going to bat for you every day over things like safety and getting your requests right and yes, even trying to find ways to save your cheap ass a few bucks. That letter and coupon for fifty bucks you got? Blow jobs. Someone took it in the face to get you that. Hope you feel good.


99% of airline employees do not agree with making customers fend for themselves. If only so they don't have to hear your incessant whining.  The other 1% have specific customers in mind whom they would like to see pay $3500 to be duct taped to a wing with a bowl of soup for lunch.


You realize that when the corporation made you the customer cart your own bag around and print your own tickets and pack your own lunch that real people with lives and kids and dogs wound up unemployed right? And the "lucky" ones who got to stay get split days off random shifts and the pleasure of strapping on a head set and being told what lazy shit heads they are all day.


The thing is they know, I know and you know that the fun, easy part of flying is being take n away by penny pinching companies that suck the life from the customers and front line employees while rewarding themselves with big fat bonuses.


I got a bonus once working with the airline. It was a Bulk Barn gift basket with a bottle of screw top wine. This was the mid 90s before the wineries started being eco friendly and dropping the use of corks. I felt screwed. Still drank it, and may or may not have had a friend drive me to the office to puke in the parking lot at 3 a.m. I admit nothing. 


I know a million different things make flying suck. There eleven different levels of pure fuckery to deal with and in the end you are tired bedraggled and broke. But you know what? Take the bus from St. John's to Fort McMurray and see how happy optimistic rested and on time you are at the end of it.

You Want Crude, I Will Give You Crude

When did all prices become negotiable? Since when is it cool to go around asking everyone for handouts?

Do people stroll over to the counter at the Gap, $100 sweater in hand and say " Don't you realize the price of sheep is at $20 a head? I'm just not paying this much for a wool sweater. You're going to have to do better than that if you want MY business."

Would you call a prostitute from the bar, "this bitch here is about to give it up for three drinks and taxi fare, what can you do to me, for less, I want it cheap or I wont be coming on you?"

People call their gas/oil companies all the fucking time and say things like "Osama bin Laden is dead and all those foreign people should be grateful and Nancy Grace said if there is justice then oil should be free and I KNOW that the price of that crude is cheaper now. I'm not paying that!"

Fine. But what about the oil and natural gas that is produced in North America? Huh smarty pants? That's still just as expensive as the foreign oil but not half as well travelled. You are correct, the price of crude oil has indeed gone down. Go ahead, I hear you. It has. Yeehaw. Means nothing. Tuna could be free but your local sushi joint will still charge you for it and they don't even have to heat it up. The crap you're buying to make your stuff go is not going to see a buck anything a gallon anytime soon. The price of shipping it, refining it storing it and delivering it has not budged a cent. Period. Its just not happening.
 
Oil companies don't send Indiana Jones with some cash and a boat over to Iraq to buy some barrels from a shady guy in a bazaar, haggle over a hookah load the barrels onto a camel cart back to the boat, plunk it on the boat, get it home and start throwing it in peoples' tanks. A few things, expensive things, have to happen first.

Just believe me when I say you don't want a barrel of crude oil. No more than you would want a sheep. That is the trouble with raw materials. They need to be cooked, they poop or bite or, whatever. Even if you did manage to procure a barrel of crude what would you do with it? Google home refining kits? Talk to your buddy who did real good in chemistry? Set up a little something in the shed? Why not, You made some damn good wine in there last summer!

You know what? Fuck it. Go buy a sheep some shears and some knitting needles. Go buy a barrel of crude a hose and a lighter.  Do what you have to do but please by all that is holy just shut up.

Job Posting

Blue Balls of the Soul Inc. Job Posting

Job Title:		Boyfriend		Job Category:			Service & Labor (non-profit)
Department/Group:		Department of Entertainment & Household Chores		Job Code/ Req#:			BF4N0W
Location:		Lovely Saint John NB		Travel Required:			Maybe, depends where you are now, what you consider travel & where I want to go.
Level/Salary Range:		Unpaid		Position Type:			Intern
HR Contact:		The committee will contact you		Date posted:			June 26, 2011
Will Train Applicant(s):		Training will be determined based on potential		Posting Expires:			Without notice
External posting URL:		www.blueballsofthesoul.com
Internal posting URL:
Applications Accepted By:
E-mail: thegirlwithblueballs@gmail.com Subject Line: I want you to want me			Failure to comply with submission instructions will result in immediate rejection.
Job Description
Role and Responsibilities The following is a partial list of duties and related tasks you will be expected to perform should you be hired for the position. The more of these that you can do without being asked the more likely you will be hired on permanently after the internship. Permanent positions are also unpaid. ·         Mix drinks, carry heavy things, open car doors & hold my purse ·         Fix stuff & help paint in a charming and funny way like in movie montages of happy couples doing renos ·         Give my girlfriends non creepy compliments, help them move & pick us up from the bar. ·         Find common ground with my guy friends, buy some rounds and suck it up they were here before you. ·         Shamelessly suck up to my family. It will be a first and they will think it’s hilarious. ·         Don’t bug my kids. They will let you know if they give a shit you exist. ·         Support crazy schemes, random adventures, bizarre projects and public shenanigans. ·         Know when I am sick of you for now and it is time to go home before I do and leave. Qualifications and Education Requirements & Preferred Skills Candidates must be literate, have a grasp of how the world works and the goings on in it. If most news is gathered from the Daily Show, that is fine. Working knowledge of household and female plumbing is a must. Additional Notes All applications will go through a rigorous evaluation/mocking. Only those candidates moving on to the 2nd round of the interview process will be friended on Facebook.
Reviewed By:	Spell check				Date:	June 26, 2011
Approved By:	The Central Scrutinizer				Date:	June 26, 2011
Last Updated By:	Typing stuff in boxes				Date/Time:	June 26, 2011

I Hope This Call Was Recorded

In the name of balance, yin & yang, or because I'm a Libra, I feel I must visit another side of this topic.

I avoid calling ANYWHERE like the plague. In fact, given the choice and modern antibiotics I would probably take a bit of the ol' bubonic over the 7 minutes it will take to navigate an IVR (interactive voice response for those of you not in the know) get to the agent and get whatever it is done.

Let us discuss the IVR. The person who came up with this is a bastard. A partially deaf bastard. I live in Canada. You cannot have a voice response system that does not understand French last names. (Yeah that one is for you Scotiabank). Plus, the whole reason companies have voice recognition is belittling. They are assuming we can't listen to options and press appropriate buttons.Oh, never mind. How many times have I been freaked out at by someone who pressed whatever they felt like then had to be transferred? Still, don't be cheap with the software or people like me will just bail on you. 

Usually by the end of 4 minutes the system bitch is talking to me like I'm the idiot "You seem to be having difficulties I will HAVE to transfer you to an agent" while I am going completely ballistic trying to pronounce my mother's insanely common last name every way possible. Really. The customer should not have to go through this. 

"Laliberte" "I'm sorry I did not get that can you please repeat your mother's maiden name" "LA LEE BEAR TAY" " For security purposes please repeat your mother's maiden name" "Lallybertie?" "I'm sorry I did not understand can you please say your mother's maiden name" "LA FUCKING LIBERTEEEE!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH" "You seem to be experiencing difficulties hold while I transfer you to an agent who may be able to assist you"

I always wonder if management gets to listen to that part of the call. Usually once I get a person I'm all calm and sweet. I would love to be in the room while the suits get an earful of every curse word known to man and God and everyone else's name taken very very vainly.

Like come on, really? Way to set up the employees and customers for a wonderful interaction. Thank you. Seriously, that was sooo worth the cut to our pension and a price increase. And the the calls generated by the price increase that end up in the IVR and are so fun for the employees to deal with that in the end the attempt to keep people from having to talk to the people to cut costs ends up increasing absenteeism and the company ends up having even angrier customers and has to give coupons or credits and more employees stress out and benefits has to pay out more for sick time and happy pills and alcohol rehab.

I don't know ANYONE who works at a call center and does not either drink, take anti-depressants, self medicate, emotionally over-eats, is religiously "eccentric", obsessively controls every other aspect of their lives or is just a big weirdo. Oddly there are a lot of people with skin conditions too. Or at least ones that flare up once they start taking calls. Its a petrie dish of mental illness. Grad students and journalists should be going undercover in these places.

This is why it always stuns me when I have to make a call and get someone fabulous. It stuns me even more when I call a company more than twice and get excellent customer service. It makes me all warm and fuzzy. I want to say "I feel your pain, I know you are dying inside with every call you take, I'm sorry I had to do it, I tried online, nothin, help me and I will tell your manager you're good."

I do it too. Telus, Shaw, and PC Mobile are companies I deal with on a regular regular basis and get consistently great service. Their people know please AND thank you, BOTH! Some, even say "may I". Call me old fashioned but I heart manners. I really really do. Also, none of these companies have EVER screwed up my billing. Ever. In YEARS!

Telus blows me away when I talk to an agent and they find me a way to save money. Out of the blue the rep will go " If I do this you can save however much a month want me to go ahead?". Then even crazier, my billing doesn't go all stupid for six months after that. Really, it all falls into place even if its in the middle of the billing cycle they actually do the math, correctly, and I have heard that if they do fuck up, THEY FIX IT!!!!!!

Now mind you I may have had to do unsavory things to actually get past the IVR to speak to these people but let's not dwell on that and by golly it was worth it.

I really do send emails or talk to supervisors or tell the agent right then that they were awesome. Maybe they think its a suck up so they put "nice lady" and not "evil hag" in the remarks field of my account but I don't care, I think they deserve a bit of recognition. We all know its shit work. You who are arseholes on either end of the phone know it. You KNOW what you do, and hopefully understand that no matter what prayers you say Hell's ironic punishment department is working overtime to get the place ready for you, and buddy who invented the IVR. You should see what they have cooked up for HIM!

This Call May Be Recorded

I have worked in the worlds most hateful profession for almost 14 years. Being a customer service agent you learn a lot about people. You learn many things about the world in general, especially if like me you have had the dubious pleasure of working in a few different industries.

The first thing you learn is that racial stereotypes exist for one specific reason, those people actually exist, behave that way, and I know you're going to ask, yes, I can tell over the phone because people tell you things. Or have very obvious names.

I don't know how many times I have thought to myself "if this call were recorded it would be very very bad for the (insert group here)". Every time a woman smugly hands the phone to her husband to try and get what she wants I really do feel like asking him to please slap this bitch and I will do whatever they want.

Or men who will try and bully you, treat you like a complete idiot, argue every little thing and get belligerent  and actually physically threaten you when you have to follow whatever process. I live in a small city, I would love to go into the businesses of some of these fucking assholes be a complete pain in the ass and flip right the fuck out as only a pissed off Atlantic Canadian Woman can.

I have at times been tempted to say "Yeah COME GET ME"  and then what? I dunno. They just make me so mad!

I have learned that people are never satisfied. This is universal.The seat is on the aisle but its not on the bulkhead. My cup is plastic I want a real glass. The ocean view is only nice at day time at night its all black. I bought this over there but they aren't open can you give me my money back. The red cross took us to a hurricane shelter thats not on the beach, my vacation was supposed to be on the beach. I breached my contract and now want you to still honor your part, no not like that, my way.

Seriously people? The bulkhead hits the ground first. You can't have a glass because it can break then terror happens. You asked for ocean view, I am sorry you did not realize it does not light up at night so you can see it. No, just NO my God what's wrong with you? The beach is trying to kill you right now, trust the Red Cross and shut up. Look up contract in the dictionary, blow yourself, then call me back.

People are very cavalier about their lives. They really have no clue. I don't know how people think planes fly but they seem to think NOT taking off in a screaming blizzard, is just plain stupid. Why would you complain about de icing a plane? Should we just not do it to save time? Last time I checked it takes even longer to find a crashed plane. Best sit next to someone frail yet tasty looking.

Also seasons are called seasons because they happen at the same time and do the same things every year. It is actually a very convenient system. Useful for planning stuff. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Hurricane, Monsoon, High, Low etc. Insurance is offered for a reason but no policy covers stupid.

If you are a Canadian, lived in Winnipeg all your life and only take 3 days off to try and get across the country December 23rd and return on the 26th to be at work that night, you should be stripped of citizenship.

I wish we could out these bastards. Most of them are repeat offenders and I am betting that they think they are all that and a bag of chips. I wish I could get their Facebook profiles and use their profile pic to create  rogues gallery of ass clowns. Or send out cards that have a picture of a turd on it that say "This is you". 

At Christmas when people of all colours and beliefs come together to abuse the shit out of anyone in the service industry the cards would say "You made Baby Jesus cry. Enjoy your purchases... in HELL"